What I learned about relationships in over 8 years of marriage
I’m in no way a relationship expert - ours is not perfect as we have our ups and downs, like any other couple. But I’d say that during our over 8 years of marriage, I learned a thing or two.
Relationships can be hard, and they require work, especially as they “grow”. However, generally speaking, a relationship should feel natural, as in, being with that person makes you feel “at home”, makes you feel happy and at peace, and allows you to be yourself.
I believe that couples should be close friends - you support each other, you bring one another back to earth when need be, and you like spending time together in any given circumstances (aka, stuck together at home due to a pandemic).
I see too often people compromising for the fear of being alone, etc., and it breaks my heart because I do believe that one is better off alone than in the wrong relationship.
It’s not a cliché, love comes when you least expect it, and romance alone will not make you feel whole. You truly need to accept yourself and be happy with who you are in order to attract a healthy and happy connection - I speak from my own experience.
Here’s what I learned over the years…
First and foremost, be honest with yourself, and what you truly want.
There are things that you should never compromise on when it comes to a partner. I highly recommend making a list with the things/qualities that you absolutely want/need in a partner (you can add things you can tolerate if you’d like), read it often (out loud if you’re still searching for that person), and don’t sway from it. Don’t ever settle for less than what you want - again, this is not a cliché, it’s imperative in a partner.
Settle with someone only if you think you can live with the things you dislike about them.
You should not think about changing your partner. Yes, being together will change you both throughout the years, and even mold you into being more like each other, but going into a relationship with the thought of “I’m going to change this about him/her” is a bad idea, because it can create resentment on both ends. Of course, your partner should want to change habits or whatnot, that do not support either of you, and want to be a better person for you, but, ultimately, it would be unfair of you to request them to change who they are… those things should come from them. It is why I said above that it’s imperative that you don’t accept less than what you want.
For the love of God, don’t play games.
If you seriously want a true relationship, games have no place in it - playfulness, yes, games, HARD NO!
I believe in being straightforward with each other, and honest about your wants/needs. It’s OK to have limited trust when you meet someone at first and are in the process of getting to know one another, but if the games continue after a while, it’s time to move on.
Learn about your partner’s needs and boundaries; follow, and respect them.
For example, some people need space when going through certain situations. Example: you had a fight… some people want to not be touched nor talked to for a period of time when they process whatever it was you fought about. Give them that!
Some people want to be held, or want your shoulder to cry on after a fight - comply. In an argument, you should set aside your pride and come to a compromise that works for BOTH of you.
RESPECT ONE ANOTHER.
I can’t stress enough how important mutual respect is in a relationship. I’m talking about respecting the person your partner is, and their aspirations, dreams, and goals. Standing up for your significant other and supporting them and their needs also show your respect for them.
Discuss your future goals: marriage, kids, finances, etc.
They say that the things couples fight the most about are kids, money, and sex.
If you strongly feel about any or all these things (and/or any other issues), and your partner is not thrilled about them (or vice versa), that should be discussed as early as possible in a relationship, so none of you get hurt down the line or “wake up” on different paths. If your partner is not thrilled about the idea of having kids, but it is something you truly want, you should really consider where you stand before “getting in too deep”.
Trust your gut!
If your gut says something is off, trust it. Take a hard look at what is bothering you, and truly consider if it is with or without merit.
COMMUNICATE!
This is key for any relationship. Also, men really are clueless sometimes - don’t get upset if they’re not reading your mind.
Share household chores or divide them in a way that works for both of you.
For example, I do most of the cooking in our household while my husband does the dishes. I am particular about how I clean our home, so to avoid conflict, I do the cleaning. Hubby however organizes the fridge and our groceries in it - he’s particular about that while I dislike the task. Doing things this way works for us, and I believe it helps us prevent unnecessary quarrels.
There are times when one has to give more than the other…
In a relationship, that is sure to happen, as life is full of ups and downs… However, don’t let it become a regular thing. Relationships are about supporting each other (whichever way that looks for you), not just one person. Discuss those things with your partner before you become resentful. Many times, they’re not even aware of that and once informed, don’t mind helping out or taking their “share” of “duties”.
Celebrate your love and appreciate one another not just on Valentine’s Day!
As Valentine’s Day is around the corner, there’s this pressure to celebrate the love you share. It’s true, that day-to-day life takes over and we forget sometimes to show the love and appreciation the other deserves. Having one day dedicated to that is surely nice, but if that’s all the ‘effort” put in, sooner or later, it will become a problem. Try to carve out time or even moments, if you’re particularly busy, to appreciate your partner and what they do for you on a daily basis, be it through words, gestures, gifts, or whatever your love language is.
Above all, I learned that love is not enough…
Sure, it sounds romantic, and we’re all enamored with the “all you need is love” idea, but real life doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. While some advice can be applied universally, ultimately, we, human beings are highly complex creatures, and there is no perfect “one size fits all” approach. The fact that you love each other will not necessarily solve whatever issues arise. What I’m basically saying here is, don’t rely on love — you have to work on your relationship if you want it to survive.
I hope you find this post helpful.
Until next time.
xoxo,
Em
